Friday, April 14, 2006

Empire Health Care

VO (with authority): And Jesus said unto him, Friend, wherefore art thou come? Then came they, and laid hands on Jesus, and took him. And, behold, one of them which were with Jesus stretched out his hand, and drew his sword, and struck a servant of the high priest's, and smote off his ear.

SERVANT enters stage right. He is dressed in Roman garb, and is clutching his left ear. Some blood is visible on his hand, he appears to be in no small amount of pain. With his right hand he is fumbling in a pocket of his tunic. Finally, he finds what he is looking for, and pulls out a RAZR flip phone. He starts to dial.

SFX: Touch tone dialing.

VO (female voice): THANK YOU for calling Empire Health Care. When you roam far from Rome, we're right here at home.

SERVANT tries to interrupt, then realizes he is listening to an automated voice system. The system continues.

VO: Please enter your legion number, followed by the pound sign.

SERVANT is exasperated, enters digits.

SFX: touch tone dialing, 4 tones.

VO (more insistent): I SAID, followed by the pound sign.

SERVANT sheepishly presses the pound sign.

VO: He who has ears, let him hear ... the following menu choices. If you would like precertification for a bleeding, press 1. If you are scheduled for a crucifixion, please remember this is not covered under your current plan. If you are experiencing plague conditions of Old Testament proportions, press 2. If you are Job, press 3. If you are calling about a problem with your herd of pigs, press 4...

If your ear has been smote by a follower of an obscure messianic figure, please hold.

MUSIC begins, LIGHTS DOWN.

3 comments:

Ron Rienstra said...

Very funny, Mr. Phil!

I think I note the subtle influence of the Jesus Seminar, though, in the curious spelling of the "crucifiction." :)

Phil Smith said...

Whoops, didn't catch that. Funny, I don't think that word shows up even once in my dissertation. Not that I can spell the words that do show up...

Jana Riess said...

Very, very funny. I especially like the part about crucifixion not being covered under the current health plan.

Still, Empire Health Care sounds better than what I have now. Where do I sign up?

Jana